Last December, when Chris and I told the kids about Alina and her need for a home, they were shocked that her parents were willing to "give her away"--in particular because they are aware of the stereotypes about Down syndrome and how Bridget defies them.
Chris and I did not truly understand, until we traveled, that people with disabilities do not have a place in the world in Eastern Europe. Scratch that. They do have a place--and unfortunately, it is behind a closed door. There is no support for parents wanting to raise children with special needs, and society does not condone raising them in public.
I am not making a value judgment. Twenty-five years ago, it was the same situation in the United States.
When we had court, we heard details about Alina's parents--their names, their address--that they were married when she was born and that they are still together. We saw their signatures on the abandonment decree they signed in the presence of a notary when Alina was two months old (per Ukrainian law--they had left her at the hospital when she was two days old, but waited until the last minute to sign, after blood tests came back confirming that she did have Down syndrome).
I sobbed in the quiet of the court room as we heard details about them.
Alina's full name was absolutely beautiful. Her middle name was the female version of her dad's name.
Her parents were both in their mid-twenties when they had her, and her mom had two miscarriages before Alina was born (full term, weighing about 7 lbs and measuring 22 inches).
They wanted her. They did. We are sure of it. I should clarify. We are sure they wanted her before they knew she had Down syndrome. We have no idea how they felt when they found out--but it meant that they could not keep the baby they had wanted--and we can guess that they were devastated.
We ache for them. As a mom, I can only imagine the pain her birth mom feels having her gone. Even if she was able to rationalize the decision to release Alina for adoption, and even if she would never want to raise a child with Ds, her mom has to feel the physical absence of her daughter.
And she has to wonder what happened to her little girl.
We look at Alina and we see a child who is so worthy of love, who would have surprised and elated her parents on a daily basis. We see a little girl who would have made a great big sister, a great daughter, a great grand-daughter.
We have to assume that her mom and dad would have been as blown away with her as we are...
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I hope they know she is loved SO much
ReplyDeleteThat's really sad. I felt the same getting the information about Artiom's family. My heart really goes out to the parents there. Artioms mom has died, but I sure wish Alina's parents could see her now :)
ReplyDeleteEven in A's country, which is very progressive, most people were not ready for us to be out in public with our boy. Getting around was very difficult with our unsteady boy. Nothing was handicap accessible. It made it easier to understand how and why parents give up their children.
ReplyDeleteVery sad. I'm sure they would be so happy knowing that Alina is loved very much! You have a good heart, Lisa, thinking of them and sharing this with us. I'm sure, as difficult as it would be, they would be proud that Alina is being taken care of and loved so much. All the things that they wish they could have provided.....Alina is getting! A sense of comfort, especially knowing that things could be very different!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to wrap my mind around such a cultural difference, knowing what I know about raising a beautiful angel with an extra chromosome.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way Lisa. That was one of the most powerful and sad moments of our court date as well. Sofia's parents were married, this was their first pregnancy and they were in the mid thirties. They were also highly educated and had jobs...a perfect family situation for a child with special needs if only in a different country. I too wonder what they think or if they are curious. Or...since they left her one day after giving birth in the hospital...maybe they think it was all just a bad dream and it's not in their minds at all. Who knows? All I know is that I would LOVE for them to see their daughter now and have peace about it.
ReplyDeleteIf you have their adress, will you tell them that you have adoopted Alina?
ReplyDeleteWe have 2 adopted daughters, one from Chi*a and one from Guatem*la. I am constantly thinking of my Chin*se daughter's (Olivia) mom and dad. She was abandoned around 3 weeks of age. She was full term and healthy and beautiful. But she had the misfortune of being born female in a society where girls are devalued. This is the cultural way in Chi*a, but I cannot help but think that there are shattered and broken hearts all over that country over this unspoken belief. How many parents long to keep and raise their daughters but are shamed into giving them up? How many wives are told by thier husbands that the daughter she just gave birth to must go in hopes of the next pregnancy producing a boy? Olivia is 7 now. She has heaped blessing upon blessing on us,her family, since the day she was put into her father's arms and brought home. But, I think of her parents often, especially her biological mother. They have missed out on so much not knowing this child. She was left at the gate to an orphanage so I know it was thier intention that she be found and cared for. If I could send them a card with an update about her and a photo, I would in a heartbeat! I would love to give them the peace of mind that , I am sure, they long for concerning the welfare of the little girl they let go of so long ago.
ReplyDeletei have to admit, i'm struggling with this post. i think it's because every word you wrote is so heartbreaking and mind-numbing. it's almost too much to take. and it makes me squeeze ben a little bit harder, hug him a little bit longer, breathe in his freshly shampooed hair a little deeper. he is such a gift to us. i pray every single day for acceptance--worldwide.
ReplyDeleteit is easy for us (americans) to assume the whole world thinks and acts as we do. but this is in fact a big world and it's not until one travels abroad that they see firsthand all of the differences. some differences are wonderful things that we can learn from, others are strange to us, and some can be heartbreaking such as the example in this post. i love that in american culture a "disability" doesn't mean one must hide away behind closed doors. we are very fortunate that our society has grown to this level and i hope and pray that other countries will follow.
ReplyDeletei can tell you that here in saudi things are changing for the better in this respect. i applaud my former student's mother who didn't listen to those who told her to keep her daughter home because she has a disability. she brings her daughter to school everyday, wheelchair and all, with a smile on her face. it was an honor to teach her daughter. she's a smart girl, i'm glad her mother knows that and didn't give up. i also applaud my hubby's aunt who has a little girl with DS. her daughter is as much apart of the family as her other children. might sound like a no-brainer to most of us, but not all ppl understand this concept here.
last but not least, a question...can parents in ukraine check the status of their child to see whether or not they've been adopted? do the parents have any ties with the caregivers there?
Amy, we have to keep reminding ourselves that this is why we advocate for our kids. People all over the world (and in this country, too), are missing out. We hope things change in Alina's country, but there isn't much of a disability rights movement over there. That is an understatement. There isn't one at all. It is interesting that in other parts of Europe, Ds is seen very differently. It is important to for us to keep talking, keep photographing, keep writing...keep sharing our "special" children.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note, we do not believe that Alina's parents requested any information on her status. Children can be visited in the orphanage with permission, even if they have been officially abandoned. One of the things that we heard in court was that Alina had no visitors. Ever. They keep a record of that sort of thing...and they write down who came...a parent, grandparent, other relative. Hearing that broke my heart. But it means that her parents signed away rights and broke off ties completely. We only know their address because it was part of the court record. They could probably find out very easily that Alina was adopted if they were interested in knowing...
It is heartbreaking. :(
ReplyDeleteThis was a very "eye opening" post about how hard it is for parents in Eastern Europe to keep their special needs child. So sad that it is that way. So glad that Alina is part of your family now, and can experience all the love she is so deserving of.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Barbara
Maybe Alinas parents don't ask for her because they are afraid of hearing that she has NOT been adopted? Just a thought... Maybe one should tell them...
ReplyDeleteIt never occurred to me that parents would turn their back on a healthy baby who has a disability. All the more power to you for giving Alina a family to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteJust breaks my heart, Lisa. But fills my heart that Alina has you and the whole family!
ReplyDeleteIt is so sad to realize that these beautiful children are abandoned due to lack of acceptance and support. I must be honest and say that I would never track the birth parents. It is not the role of a new adoptive family to comfort parents who have never inquired into the well being of their child in two years. I am compassionate of their situation, but also feel protective of the adoptive child, in this case Alina, and her new family to more hurt. It is wonderful that Alina has been found by her true family, a family that recognizes the blessing and worth of her being.
ReplyDeleteIt is impossible for me to comprehend how her birth parents must feel. Heartbreaking, truly heartbreaking.
ReplyDelete